It has been a curious month for me. Every so often the phrase be not afraid streams through my mind. When it does I feel a settling of the fibers in my body much like when you open a vacuum sealed bag of coffee and the grounds settle into a softer state. I don’t know if I read it, heard it in a song or perhaps recall it from a sermon, but it is a welcome thought.
My life is very exciting right now. Say It Out Loud will be released in October, I am in the throws of planning our daughter’s shower and fall wedding, and life in general is good. So why am I needing the comfort of those words be not afraid? What exactly am I afraid of? I don’t have the answer but I will share a few thoughts.
I’ve worked extensively through therapy for my past of sexual abuse. During that time I relived horrific memories, faced my demons using visualization, and released the anger and pain. Did I not deal with the fear I experienced as a child? Perhaps in the six year journey to healing the fear became secondary to the other issues and remains with me today.
A second thought, do I live with the fear that I will not maintain the level of joy I experience today? Living in the present is relatively new for me. Do I fear slipping back to the “old” me so busy doubting myself, trying to make things right, running from the past, that I will miss the present?
A final theory has to do with my book. Writing a book has been a dream, a process, and a steep learning curve. There were long stretches when I thought it would never come to be, but now I am looking at a completed manuscript, beautiful cover, wonderful publisher and newly hired publicist. It’s real! I know I’m not afraid of the exposure. I’ll talk to anyone who will listen about my life and my hope that all victims will one day heal. What may be frightening is the change being published will create in my life. I will no longer be sitting in my loft, alone with my computer, milling over the words and concepts. I will be an author, speaking about and promoting my work. There’s a difference and it just may be one that causes me some angst.
Whether my fear is generated from my past, wanting to stay in the present, or the changes that will come from being a published author I don’t know. What I do know is that three little words, be not afraid, bring me comfort and a sense that I will move forward with grace.
What words bring you comfort; cause the fibers in your body to settle? I suggest we not overthink the cause but enjoy the peace. I would love for you to share your words of comfort. Perhaps they will be a comfort to someone else.
Be not afraid, Roberta